Have you ever felt so empty that
words cannot describe exactly how you feel?
Well this was me on Friday. I
felt as if I were in this deep dark hole where I can’t get out of and I’d have
to say that I feel I don’t have any more tears.
I barely told anyone but on Friday June 6 I had my first IUI (Intrauterine
Insemination) and although everything went well that day that two week wait had
me anxious. On Friday June 20 early in
the morning I had to get my blood test done to see if the IUI worked. After
I got home I was finishing packing our stuff for our 1-325 Air Marriage Retreat
that my husband took me too. Every time
the phone rang we would stop what we were doing to check the caller id just to
get a false alarm. Then while driving
for almost 2 hours to get to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina we finally got that
famous call we were waiting for; just to here that the test came back negative.
For some reason I had a feeling that it had not worked but I did not
think I would hurt as much as I did, and my husband’s facial expressions hurt
me more. I knew he was hurting as much
as I was. I tried not to cry in front of
him but what the hell he’s seen me at my worst.
Once we arrived to our Hotel and we met in the conference room with all
the other soldiers and their spouses we had dinner and began the couple’s
session. I have to give it to my husband he made this weekend unforgettable, we
had so much fun between the retreat and our little mini vacation
adventure. We went to the Boardwalk ,
Ripleys Aquarium and Medieval Times. I laughed so much eating at this place because my husband was so excited he
laughed, he yelled, he got up oh gosh he just was like a little kid with a new
toy. Then on yesterday (Sunday) we
returned back to Ft. Bragg, went to pick our fur baby from my brother in law’s
house and we stood there for a while hanging out in the pool with his niece and
nephew.
What’s the next step? I have to
wait for AF to arrive so that we can start all over again. How do I feel it? Discouraged and negative. Although Dr. P had told me that I have a
98.9% chance to get pregnant with IUI; I just feel unenthusiastic of this whole
treatment. I just still cannot understand
how there are so many woman that don’t want babies and yet get pregnant with a
blink of an eye and here we are so many TTC sisters that struggle and suffer
because we can’t. But I try to hold on
to my husband’s faith this man is the most positive man I have ever know and I
thank God for him.
Dr. P wants me to try two more
times and if it’s negative, we will be jumping straight to IVF; something that
I still haven’t processed in my head yet; I’m still in that discourage
phase. I know I have the support of my
husband, our families and close friends; there is still pain in my heart that I
am not ready to handle. And I know I
should be more positive and continue to pray and not lose hope but sometimes it
is easier said than done.
I want to thank all of those
that had us in your prayers, for the support and kind words. This is not an
easy journey but it sure does make it easier when you have beautiful, sincere
people sending us positive vibes.
OMG! My friend. I'm so sorry you have to go thru all that. I know how you feel i'm going thru the same thing. But different bc you doing the IUI. But i always think the same way. How other woman get pregnant in no time here you are doing anything in your hand get pregnant. It's depressing and sad. I get depress every month or I cry. I do try my best to stay positive and happy. But some time it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Mel. We had a hard time making the mental jump from IUI to IVF and now we are doing egg donation. So it does get easier to adjust to different options. Although I hope you don't need IVF. But I am glad you got to go to the marriage retreat with your hubby. Hugs!
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