Marriage Retreat & Mixed Emotions

Have you ever felt so empty that words cannot describe exactly how you feel?  Well this was me on Friday.  I felt as if I were in this deep dark hole where I can’t get out of and I’d have to say that I feel I don’t have any more tears.  I barely told anyone but on Friday June 6 I had my first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and although everything went well that day that two week wait had me anxious.  On Friday June 20 early in the morning I had to get my blood test done to see if the IUI worked.  After I got home I was finishing packing our stuff for our 1-325 Air Marriage Retreat that my husband took me too.  Every time the phone rang we would stop what we were doing to check the caller id just to get a false alarm.  Then while driving for almost 2 hours to get to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina we finally got that famous call we were waiting for; just to here that the test came back negative.  For some reason I had a feeling that it had not worked but I did not think I would hurt as much as I did, and my husband’s facial expressions hurt me more.  I knew he was hurting as much as I was.  I tried not to cry in front of him but what the hell he’s seen me at my worst. 

Once we arrived to our Hotel and we met in the conference room with all the other soldiers and their spouses we had dinner and began the couple’s session. I have to give it to my husband he made this weekend unforgettable, we had so much fun between the retreat and our little mini vacation adventure.  We went to the Boardwalk , Ripleys Aquarium  and Medieval Times.  I laughed so much eating at this place because my husband was so excited he laughed, he yelled, he got up oh gosh he just was like a little kid with a new toy.  Then on yesterday (Sunday) we returned back to Ft. Bragg, went to pick our fur baby from my brother in law’s house and we stood there for a while hanging out in the pool with his niece and nephew. 

What’s the next step? I have to wait for AF to arrive so that we can start all over again. How do I feel it?  Discouraged and negative.  Although Dr. P had told me that I have a 98.9% chance to get pregnant with IUI; I just feel unenthusiastic of this whole treatment.  I just still cannot understand how there are so many woman that don’t want babies and yet get pregnant with a blink of an eye and here we are so many TTC sisters that struggle and suffer because we can’t.  But I try to hold on to my husband’s faith this man is the most positive man I have ever know and I thank God for him. 

Dr. P wants me to try two more times and if it’s negative, we will be jumping straight to IVF; something that I still haven’t processed in my head yet; I’m still in that discourage phase.  I know I have the support of my husband, our families and close friends; there is still pain in my heart that I am not ready to handle.  And I know I should be more positive and continue to pray and not lose hope but sometimes it is easier said than done.   

I want to thank all of those that had us in your prayers, for the support and kind words. This is not an easy journey but it sure does make it easier when you have beautiful, sincere people sending us positive vibes.