Give Thanks

This year I have so many things to give thanks for on this Thanksgiving Day.  There is nothing more pleasant to God than having a grateful heart. 

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Thank you God for my loving husband.

Thank you God for my amazing family.

Thank you God for my angels in Heaven.

Thank you God for my friends through distance.

Thank you God for the opportunity of traveling overseas.

Thank you God for the job opportunity here in Italy.

Thank you God for the amazing people I’ve met in Italy.
Thank you God for giving us the opportunity to afford our first IVF.

Thank you God for the friends I’ve made through this blog.

Thank you God for our unborn children.

Thank you God for the amazing people I’ve met through the ttc community.

Thank you God for teaching me that all we need is You.

May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving full of love and happiness.

Countdown: 31 Days

I have never experienced so many mixed emotions at the same time.  I have literally 31 days until we fly to Czech Republic for our first and hopefully only IVF treatment.  This is the first time I have so much faith in not just this clinic or the doctors but in my Lord.  I’ve always said that without God nothing is impossible but my faith was not even close when it comes in trusting the Almighty.  Lately when I’m at home I put YouTube on my computer and start listening to Christian songs or I simply watch Christian movies.  This has brought me so much peace and so much tears hahaha.  Yes, I’ve been nothing but tears lately.  I honestly cannot describe what I’m feeling but I will continue to post as the time continues to approach on this journey.  
In the meantime all prayers I highly appreciated while we wait for God's masterpiece.

"Faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action is dead."

~ James 2:17

  

Hello November

Wow!!! This year has been flying literally.  Well let's say hello to November, the month I consider the Holiday Season.  Here are my goals for November in hopes to complete them all.
November Goals 1. Clean out the whole house. 2. Finish Christmas shopping. 3. Ship out presents for hubs family and mine. 4. Lose at least 10 lbs. before December 5. Print out our Christmas postcards and ship them out. (My current weight is 153.2 lbs and my goal is at least to weigh 140 praying for 130 hahaha but I was too lazy and now I just have November to complete me goal.)

6. Put up our Christmas Tree (When I use to live with my parents we would always put up our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving Day and I want to bring in this little tradition to our home since its the first time we will not be traveling for the seasons.)
Lets hope I can complete my November goals!!!
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." ~Proverbs 16:3 

My Broken Heart

When our life faces certain situations, when people you love are going through horrible health difficulties, we may put up a brave face before them. We may act as if we have the biggest faith and hope and we manage to keep our composure. But then there is a moment when your heart can't deal no more and you burst into tears.  Where you feel you have lost everything and you realize that YES your heart is completely broken. 

On mid July I found out that my aunt was diagnosed with cancer or metastasis.  For years I have considered her like a second mom.  There were things I did not dare tell my mom and there she was to listen to my nonsense.  And now finding out that she has maybe a couple of months with us literally is killing me.  Not only the pain of losing her but seeing how my mother, my life, my all, is deteriorating little by little is killing me even more.  My aunt and mother are more than sisters; they are best friends.  They’ve done literally everything together and I know my mom is hurting and is trying to act strong when she talks to me.  Living abroad has made it a little harder for me to deal with this situation because it’s not like flights are affordable especially in this season. 

(my aunt on the left with my mom)

And then there is my husband.  Since living in North Carolina we new he was having some sort of situation with his kidney.  But doctors never said if it was serious and just told him to drink more water.  Three weeks ago they ran a couple of tests and sonograms on J and the doctor was too concerned he decided to do a Kidney Biopsy on him.  So this past week we were in the hospital for a couple of days.  Thank God the biopsy went well and now we are awaiting the results. 

(my forever love)

So my lovely readers please keep my family and I in your prayers.   

2015: Relationship

Ever since we hit 2015 I've been thinking and reflecting on my life.  I expected some things to happen in my marriage (like our desire to have a baby), on my family and all the disputes and disappointments, my friends and so on.  So this year I chose the word RELATIONSHIP.  I want and need to grow my relationships in so many different areas:

My Relationship with GOD

I want a deeper relationship with God, I want to grow and learn and see God how he wants me to see him, as a healer, forgiver, a God of miracles.  Last year after ttc for 8 months and having 2 failed IUI's I got so mad at God that I began to question His existence. I struggled with this for 2 months.  I still have so much pain deep inside not only because of the fact that I can’t have babies but it goes beyond this situation.  I don’t know how to forgive and that’s one thing I’m praying for since day 1 of this New Year.

My Relationship with my HUSBAND

I don’t want to go deep into it because it’s very personal but I want and need to change some areas in our relationship.  I realized I haven’t healed completely from the pain they caused me in my previous relationship and I’m bringing it to my marriage.  God has given me a very patient man and I’m more than grateful for that.  But I want to focus on the word trust when it comes to J.  I have been reading The Power of a Praying Wife and so far I have been loving it.

My Relationship with my FAMILY

God knows how I wish we were all closer and we had no drama.  And this is coming from close to extended family.  I am extremely close to my mother and father.  But in the past years I see how disputes has become in to not talking to each other type of relationship between sisters, cousins, aunts and so on.  And I want to work on my part to not be this type of a person.

My Relationship with my FRIENDS

Being in a military family it is hard to be “close” to friends.  I left behind my friends in Puerto Rico when I relocated to North Carolina.  And now I leave my friend for two years to relocate yet again.  I want to develop a relationship where they know that even in distance I’m there and that I care.  I love them so much and I miss them every day.  And I just want to keep in touch weather if it’s by email, mail, social media, etc.  I just need to let them know that I’m there. 

Thank You Lord

via

I haven’t been kind of MIA and I haven’t been blogging for a while.  Honestly I’ve been so busy lately; this month (June) has been extremely busy for us.  Between paper work on my husband’s new station duty, moving to a gated community and the baby making I have been a bit overwhelmed.  Today I just thought it would be perfect to just give thanks.

Husband – I prayed for a loving, family person, faithful, respectful, hardworking, non aggressive man that would not drink and would not smoke, that would love God as much as I love him and would help me to become a better person.  And He answered my prayers. It’s unbelievable how much God surprises me every time a pray. 

Family & Friends – There will be drama, disappointments, smiles… you name it.  But I’m grateful to have the mother and father God gave me.  I’m grateful for my sisters, my nephew and niece, for my soon to be god-child and for those friends I get to call family that has been with me throughout my whole life and seen my happy face, my sad face, my crazy mood swings but they are still there supporting my every decision without no judgment. 

TTC Sisters – My Gosh I have met some amazing ladies through this blog and through instagram.  It’s just wonderful to have this community and I’m truly blessed because I can open and pour my heart out and know there will be a beautiful lady with an advice and a word of comfort.

I’m grateful for my co worker Barbara who has taken care of me as if I was one of her daughters.  I thank God for medicine and doctors.  Because He put them in this world for a reason, I’m grateful for Dr. Parker because he has given me answers that for years I’ve had and because I know that I will have my miracle soon (No Spoilers Yet).  I thank God because where ever I walk I leave a piece of me, because where ever I go I get an opportunity to learn new things, for my job for my husband’s job, for my beautiful fur baby Knela, for my husband’s grade in University, and for the opportunity to complete several things on my Bucket List. 

Psalm 28:7 - The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of Thanksgiving.

What Does God Want From Me?

Photo from Google Search

Yesterday was one of those days where I found myself “lost”.  I wanted a hug and a word of encouragement from my mother.  I needed to feel protected and wrapped around my daddy’s arms.  Yes, I have my husband, but yesterday it was like a homesick feeling (so I thought).  I had my head spinning thinking about everything that I’ve been through my entire life.  And to be honest I felt like I’ve been walking through this journey called life aimlessly.  I see how everybody else has accomplished their dreams and yet here I am.  Yes, I have a job.  Yes, I’m happily married.  Yes, I have a family that adores me and I adore them.  But then comes the part where I feel completely empty.  That maybe nobody understands but me.

Then I wonder and pray what is my purpose in this life?  Why am I here?  I have this special friend of mine that I can talk too (Mare), this woman has inspired me in so many ways.  She has given me words of encouragement that has made me connect more with God.  I’m not going to lie to anyone at times I pray and I think my words are going away with the wind.  I don’t get any answers, and I get frustrated wondering should I just keep praying for nothing.  And that’s when everything changes.   I was reading some scriptures in the baby when bam, right in my face…

“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth.  You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God”. Exodus 20:4-5

Now here is where I began to ask:  JEALOUS!!!  Why would God be jealous and I answered my own question!!!

1.  I was giving my husband, my marriage priority before the Lord.  I’ve been idolizing my husband, and it’s not bad to see him as the perfect man I see of course in your eyes.  But God gave him to me, I prayed he answered and I abandoned Him after.  Therefore he can take him away whenever he wants.

2.  I’ve been seeking for a child for quite some time now, and as much as I prayed, I wasn’t praying with faith, it’s in His timing not in mine yet I keep getting mad every time a treatment doesn’t work, or when I see pregnant ladies walking around. 

So yes God is a jealous God.  We have to put Him before all else.  On January 1^st, 2014 one of my goals was to have a strong relationship with God and we are in March, and I have not done what I said I was.  Yesterday was a day where God was breaking me into pieces; it was an excruciating pain that only I can understand.  He wants me, He desires my heart, my soul, my prayers.  He wants me to believe in Him, to have faith, patience, and love in my heart.  He wants me to be faithful to put him first before anything. 

I want to honor God but how?  That was my question last night and yes I got the answers. 

Repent, Be Saved & Give your all – Acts 3:19-20 Repent, then, and turn to God so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed  for you – even Jesus.  Let the old you die and let the new you be born according God’s will.

Spend Time & Listen to God – I asked Mare (my friend I spoke to you earlier before) how do you listen to God, how would He talk to me.  Her answer was SPEND TIME WITH HIM, pray, read the bible and He will talk to you.

Be Thankful – Yes, be thankful.  I may not be able to conceive at this moment, but I have health, I have two legs to walk, to hands touch, I heart that is beating, eyes to see and I can talk. 

There are so many bible verses about God’s timing but every time I feel in a desperate need of His confirmation, these two bible verse are the ones that I have stuck in my heart for ever.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! 

– Psalm 27:14

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. 

– Habakkuk 2:3

God does things in His time, and not when we think it is time.  It may take weeks, months, or even years later.  The importance here is to patiently wait.  It’s not easy but it’s all worth it.

Letting God Take Over My Life

Yesterday was a horrible day for me; I was all tears for so many reasons.  For starters this is my first thanksgiving away from my family, and what has been breaking me down the most and I've been trying to hide it, is the fact of not being able to conceive.  I at times hold my head up high and I let everyone know I have faith that some day we will become parents, but deep down my heart is broken into so many little pieces.  And yesterday was the breakdown for me.  I had so many things in my head, from family, marriage and baby issues.  And while I was working I kept on saying WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME LORD? Funny part I never thought he would answer.  He answered me through so many people I cried even more.  See I’m a very open person, throughout the years I've learned that saying the truth is worth so much more than lying.  So lately I was questioning my faith and God’s existence. I was so angry on how life is.  I questioned the fact that there are so many women that have unwanted babies, kills them, and rapes them; and yet here we desire a family and nothing happens.  How could this be possible?  Why these things happen? Where is God when things like this are happening?  Why us?  These were all my questions, I was angry, I was depressed, and crying, you name it there is no words to describe how I've been feeling.  But like I said; yesterday was the day my Lord answered all my questions.

Below is the sequence of how He answered.  I’m amazed and I have asked for forgiveness so many times because I doubted.  I doubted the Lord, I doubted His promise, and I doubted His existence.  

In short words my cousin told me she would carry my baby

Then my friend Marieliz posted this on Instagram

My other friend Michelle posted this on her Facebook 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

 And to end the night a Pastor I follow on Facebook posted this

Then I had other situations disturbing my head, I was emotionally wrecked and between conversations with my mother and my friend I felt a lot better.  See in just one day I received so many messages from different people and I know for a fact it was God talking to me.  As I’m typing tears just come out because I’m just simply amazed on how wonderful God is.  I can say that I’m still emotionally broken but for the first time after so many years I can say I have accepted Christ not just by words but by heart, I have accepted Him to rule and take over my life.  I have accepted Him to do His will.  Let Him take charge of my life and let me obey what He has for my life.  My Dad always told me to kneel down and pray and I would say “yes yes I will” but then I would forget or simply didn't want too, and for the first time yesterday I got on my knees and prayed.  Like I said in a previous post of mine I don’t know what plans the Lord has for me, but I will patiently wait, pray and have faith that He will provide in His own way. 

Happy Wednesday, Happy Long Day Weekend & most important Happy Thanksgiving!!!